and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
