I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
