DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
