I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
