how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
