No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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