I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
