I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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