can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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