Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
