I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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