"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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