I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
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