I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
