I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
