weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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