That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
