She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
