how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
