In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
