i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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