Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
