well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
