I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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