Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
