I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
