Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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