So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
