im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
