I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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