Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
