My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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