I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
