I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
