we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
