On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
