i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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