Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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