just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
