i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
