If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
