I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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