Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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