Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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