The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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