Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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