I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We left the knife in your bed.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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