1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
