You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
