When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
