We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The best revenge is premature balding
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
