we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
